🌿 Navigating the Stages of Grief in Life & Illness

Those who follow me on social media would often hear me reference my Maltese-Yorkie 🐶 Jake as my faithful companion.  Jake had been declining over the last few months.  I did not want to believe that he was at the end of his life, but as he became more confused and less responsive,  I had to make the heartwrenching decision to have him euthanized on August 15, 2025. Jake was a playful dog and so full of joy.  He loved to go on walks.  He demanded my undivided attention when I was home.  I genuinely believe that, as I went through chemotherapy, two surgeries, radiation therapy, and targeted therapy, my recovery was accelerated by having Jake by my side.  He gave me something to focus on outside of illness, and for that, I am eternally grateful.  

Since losing him, I have been filled with waves of tears that overtake me, particularly in the evenings.  And I allow myself to cry, and feel my loss in a way that I must admit I didn't do when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.   This got me thinking about the topic of grief and illness.  

Grief is the human response to loss of any kind—and that includes the profound emotional, physical, and spiritual losses.

Grief most definitely accompanies a life-altering diagnosis such as cancer or other serious illness.  It comes with the realization that with this diagnosis, we are no longer who we thought ourselves to be.  In my case, I felt that the body I had taken so much time to care for had failed me in the worst way possible.  I felt like I could no longer trust it.  I felt anger and disbelief at what I had been handed.  Another cancer diagnosis, 11 years after my prior cervical cancer diagnosis? Just at the time when I was beginning to let go of the fear of a recurrence and move on with my life. 

And then, just as the treatment plan for breast cancer was outlined and being followed, there was an additional layer of grief that followed the discovery of another cancer in the left breast in a tissue sample. This led to a bilateral mastectomy with aesthetic flat closure three weeks after the initial surgery.  I still recall looking at myself in the mirror after surgery and barely recognizing the person staring back at me.  I touched my chest in disbelief.  My breasts were gone!  But gradually, I have reached a place of acceptance and gratitude for the person that I have become through this journey. 

💔 The Stages of Grief

You may have heard about the stages of grief.  Grief is complex, and no two people experience it in the same way.  Still, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief provide a helpful framework for understanding what you might feel.  These stages are not linear steps but waves that ebb and flow:

• Denial: The first reaction may be disbelief. "This can't be happening." Denial can serve as a protective shield, allowing you to take in overwhelming news a little at a time. 

• Anger: As reality sinks in, frustration may rise.  Anger may be directed at doctors, your body, or the unfairness of life. This stage often masks deeper pain.

• Bargaining: You may catch yourself thinking, "If I eat right, exercise, pray, or follow every rule, maybe this will go away." Bargaining reflects our deep desire to regain control.

• Depression: Feelings of sadness, isolation, or hopelessness may surface. This is grief settling into the reality of change and loss.

• Acceptance: Acceptance does not mean liking or welcoming the diagnosis.  It means acknowledging what is and beginning to adapt, finding new ways of living with your reality.

You may cycle through these stages multiple times, in no particular order.  And you could even skip some stages.  However, recognizing them helps normalize your emotions and reminds you that grief is a natural part of the healing process.

I did a lot of bargaining when Jake was declining.  Perhaps if I changed his diet, walked him less, and gave him extra blankets.  But I didn't bargain with myself around any of my cancer diagnoses. I'm now in the acceptance phase that my little buddy is no longer there to welcome me when I come home. I've also come to accept that my body, the way it is, is a result of my three cancer diagnoses.  It will never be the same, and I have to make the necessary adjustments. 

🧠 The Physiological Impact of Grief

Apart from the psychological challenges with grief, there are also physiological effects.  In other words, how grief affects the body.  Research shows that the stress of grief activates multiple body systems:

• Nervous system: Grief can trigger "fight or flight" responses, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. This may cause sleep disturbances, muscle tension, and anxiety.

• Cardiovascular system: Stress hormones elevate blood pressure and heart rate.  In some cases, intense grief has even been linked to "broken heart syndrome," a temporary weakening of the heart muscle.

• Immune system: Prolonged grief may suppress immune function, leaving you more vulnerable to infections and slowing healing.

• Cognitive function: Grief often creates brain fog, making concentration, memory, and decision-making more difficult.

It's essential to be aware of these possible effects of grief and do what you can to reduce their impact on your body.

🚫 Why You Shouldn't Suppress Grief

There's no timeline on how long someone takes to grieve, as long as it's not compromising the way you show up in the world. When grief causes a person to feel stuck and unable to function, this is perhaps one of the situations where professional psychological intervention is warranted. 

In our culture, people love to use empty statements like  "stay strong," "think positive," or "just move on." But suppressing grief does not make it disappear—it only buries it deeper, where it may manifest as physical illness, chronic stress, or prolonged depression.

Avoiding grief can:

• Prolonged emotional suffering.

• Create unresolved emotions that resurface later.

• Complicate your medical journey by adding stress to an already strained body.

The healthiest path forward is not to fight grief but to allow it space.  Grief expressed is grief that can be healed.

🧭 How a Health Advocate Can Help

Grieving while also managing complex medical decisions can feel overwhelming.  But at this critical time, it's important not to stay stuck.  For instance, staying stuck in denial can be a deathblow.  You may start to miss appointments, not make decisions on time, or even completely ignore the fact that you have a life-threatening illness. You need to remain in action, and this is where a health advocate can step in as a compassionate guide.

A health advocate can:

• Validate your emotions: Remind yourself that grief is normal and necessary.

• Simplify medical jargon: Translate confusing terms into language you can understand.

• Support your values: Ensure your voice is heard and your care reflects your priorities.

• Connect resources: Link you to therapists, support groups, or survivorship programs.

• Lighten the load: Help coordinate appointments, paperwork, and communication with your care team so you can focus on healing.

Having someone by your side helps balance both the logistical and emotional challenges of illness.

🌱 Healing With Compassion

Grief will not vanish overnight.  Consider it a companion on your journey.  When acknowledged and supported, grief can evolve into resilience and growth.

It can deepen your appreciation for life, help you prioritize what truly matters, and strengthen connections with yourself and others.

I've come to appreciate that healing is not about "getting it over and done with." It's about learning to live fully, even in the presence of loss or the possibility of recurrence. With compassion, support, and advocacy, you can honor your grief while also finding your way forward. 

🌟 Final Thoughts

Grief touches every part of life—whether it comes with the loss of a loved one, or through the changes and uncertainty of illness.  It is not something to avoid or suppress. Grief is a natural response to loss, and when acknowledged with compassion, it can be the doorway to resilience, growth, and more profound healing.

If you are navigating grief alongside a cancer diagnosis, know that you are not alone.  Support and guidance can help you process your emotions while also managing the practical and medical challenges of survivorship.

✨ That's why I am launching my Cancer Survivorship Program—to walk beside women as they move from treatment into the next chapter of life with clarity, compassion, and strength.

👉 To learn more about the program, click here.  And if you feel this resonates with you, schedule a free discovery call